InsaneJournal

He’s packing. I expected it eventually. It’s been a week. I thought that with all the stuff he had managed to drag into my home in the last week that he would be here longer, trying to find some place to keep his things. But he had surprised me yet again when I asked him about it last night.

“Oh man, I plan on leaving some of this here. I mean, it looks so much better, you know? And the stuff you don’t want, I’ll take to my office for the next place. It’s no big deal.”

No big deal means he sweeps in like a whirlwind and leaves his mark then chases off after the next rainbow to come along. Hell I had hoped that he would at least try to stay. Weasel his way into my home and heart as he had managed to do in my work. But I knew better than that from questioning his friends. Blair Sandburg carries all the important things on his back and travels quickly. If you want him to stick around, you have to ask him to.

He refuses to overstay his welcome. Something he must have learned from his mother, if any of the stories he tells is to be believed. If he thinks it’s important, he will dig in and stay tight. But if he is feelings pressure to leave, he’ll slip out and move on. With his treasures on his back, that he’s just about finished packing as I stand here at the top of the stairs and shamelessly listen in on his breathing and his heartbeat. And his mumbling on and on about how it was time to ‘detach with love’, whatever the hell that was about. And just as he’s finished, I hear him stop, raise his head and growl at the ceiling.

“Mom, it’s not supposed to be this hard, is it? I mean, what the hell? Did I expect him to stop me from leaving, beg me to stay? Tell me he cares for me, wants me… loves me?” There is a small snort of suppressed laughter here before he carries on. “I’ve only known the man for a month. Did I actually think that there could be… something? Yeah right, like that’s actually going to make any sense whatsoever. Naomi’s gonna laugh her ass off next time I see her.”

I think that’s when I figured out that the Wandering Jew Boy wanted to stay. Put down roots and become a part of my world as much as I wanted him to. I was going to ignore the love parts of his speech for now. We were only just now getting to know each other, why throw something as easy to spill as love into the mix? We have plenty of time for that down the way. If we don’t kill each other first.

So, that’s what I was thinking when I walked down the stairs to meet him by the dining room table, he with his pack in hand, me with my hands on my hips and gazing around at the little statues, books and wall hangings that he was leaving to ‘liven the place up a bit’.

“That’s it? All you’re taking with you is in that pack?” I growl, not wanting him to know that I had any real feelings for him. And why hadn’t I noticed that his lips looked so soft, kissable…

“Yeah man, all I need right now. Everything else is at the office, including Larry. He left yesterday.” And he looked so cute when he ducked his head like that, hiding his flushed face behind a curtain of curls.

“I thought I noticed something missing. Not that Larry wasn’t welcome, or anything… just that… well I didn’t have room for two roommates, you know?” How’s that for round about, eh Ellison?

“Uh huh, I got it, Big guy. So I guess I’ll see you in the morning, ok?” And he sticks his hand out like we are just two pals. And that’s what we are, isn’t it? But a pal would have to ask.

“Where you staying? Maybe I can come over once in a while and hang out, watch a Jags game with you?” I’ve taken his hand now, shaking it once, and then just holding it. Cause I don’t really want him to go, but I don’t have a reason for him to stay… do I?

“I don’t know man… one of the TA’s has an extra room… but he hates sports, and movies after 7pm are a huge no-no. So it would have to be either come here or meet somewhere else. But that’s just until I can find another place more accommodating to visitors, right?” And he’s ready to go. I can feel his hand doing that slight jerking thing where he doesn’t want to snatch, but he’s ready to let go. But I’m not so ready to do that yet. I’m not ready to let my friend leave a perfectly good space, not when we do have things in common. And surely we can work something else out. He’s jerking his hand again.

“Jim, I gotta go man. I have to get to the house before 6pm, he’s sort of a stickler about the key. It’s only for a week and I really don’t want to piss him off…”

“Stay.” The word is out of my mouth before I can fully understand what I’m saying. But I can’t, I won’t take it back. It’s what I want, more than anything. “Stay here with me. I have plenty of room, and my rules aren’t nearly so hard to live with.”

His eyes, those impossibly blue eyes, look up into my own and I can see, I think, yes! Relief! And then it’s gone in an instant. He turns back into the grad student trying not to be where he’s not wanted. Trying to be tough and daring. Trying to be a man. I sigh as I reach up and drag the pack off his shoulder, tossing it towards the space under the stairs.

“Stay with me, we can work anything out. I own the loft, so it’s not like it’s a hardship on me rent-wise. But if you don’t want to seem like a kept man or anything, I’m sure we can work out a rent for you. And I… I like having you around for things other than the senses.” There, pled my case like a man. And from the look on his face, he agrees with me. He didn’t want to go, he didn’t want the appearance of a freeloader, and he likes being with me. Well then I think everything will be all right.

“Ok Jim. I’d like to stay. First time I’ve ever felt… at home.” He ducks again, his face turning a bright red. I don’t call him on it. I just pull him into a tight, quick hug, and ruffle his curls, causing him to growl and sputter as I laugh.

“Welcome home, Chief.”

**

If ever a boy stood on the moon.
All the Heavens would call their Angels round.
Stop the tears from troubled skies… from falling.

If ever the river could whisper you name.
Would the choices you make still be the same?
Like a flower that dies from angry rain.
Why do we hurt ourselves?

(Chorus)
Where is the love,
That lets the sunlight in to start again?
A love…
That sees no color lines.
Life begins with love…
So spread your wings and fly.
Guide your spirit safe and sheltered.
A thousand dreams that we can still believe.

If ever a boy stood on the moon,
Carrying all of his treasures from the stars,
To a rainbow which leads to where we are,
Together we chase the sun.

(Chorus)
Where is the love,
That lifts my brothers voice to the skies?
A love…
That answers a mother's cry.
Life begins with love.
So spread your wings and fly.
Guide your spirit safe and sheltered.
A thousand dreams that we can still believe.

(Bridge)
A boy stood on the moon.
The ancient souls can still discover.
A thousand dreams that we can still believe.
We can still believe....