InsaneJournal

Ok, ever have one of those lives where you wish you could go back and change a bunch of things, really fuck with your karma, but what the hell, it’s all for a good cause anyway, what with you finally finding someone to love in this life and all? This would have to be that life for me.

I’m not going to go into the whole I should’ve told Jim about Alex shit cause what’s the point? I was having trouble with the diss, I was worried about fucking over Jim. Jim whom I am in love with, by the way. I wanted another subject so that I could finish the diss and carry on with my life. So what if I couldn’t find a job or anything, as long as I stayed in Cascade, Jim would take care of me. He’d been doing it for nearly 4 years now, and I had kind of gotten to liking it. And maybe, after I finished the diss, I could tell him how much I loved him. And so here I am, praying for a miracle, and the Fates supply!

Damned fickle Fates. Hope Hades roasts them all in Tartarus for this one. Believe me, eternity wouldn’t be long enough.

o-O-o

Ok, honestly I’m not usually this harsh with anyone. Not even minor deities. But what’s happening to me is not a fun deal, and I am SO pissed right now. I mean, what right did Alex have to take me out of this life? Just cause I couldn’t help her… oh but wait, no, she said it was because I was a loose end. I can see that, I guess. But that’s still not fair!

You know what pisses me off the most about the fact that I am lying face down in a pool of water? It’s the fact that it’s Jim who has found me. It’s Jim who is pulling me out of the water and turning me back to see the light of day. I can’t see it, of course because, well hell! I’m dead! And it’s Jim who is trying with all his might to force air back into me.

And I really don’t know why I’m fighting here. I mean, it’s not like Jim really wants me to come back. He’s only doing this for form’s sake. After all, he’s the one who threw me out of my home. The very same home he practically begged me to stay in several years ago. It was only supposed to be a week, but he made it more. And he made it about more than just a job, it was about friendship. And he goes and throws it all away, throws me away, tosses me out like yesterday’s trash.

I should have been happy. I should have been relieved. Instead, I was left where I could be killed by the bitch. Oh, I bet he’s happy now! Finally got rid of the pain in the assed Hippie Boy. Right. Then why do I have this ache in my heart while I’m standing at the edge of the jungle on my path to the other side, and listening to his begging, his pleading, his crying for me to come back to him? If I’m that pissed at him and his attitude… then why am I considering it?

“Stay.”

It was the word he used the day I had packed up to give him his space after the Deuces and the 357’s case was finished. It was the word he didn’t use but I could see on his face when Eli offered me the spot to Borneo. It was the word he whispered in my ear when I was high on Golden.

And now, standing on the edge, gazing off to that far away place that promised peace and serenity, it’s the one word that halts my steps and gives me pause. And when I turn to face the man I thought was my friend, I see him. The sleek, black cat that haunts his dreams, his spirit animal is growling at the edge of the tree line, waiting, and calling.

“Stay.”

There are a million reasons for me to turn away and leave. There are a million reasons to ignore the siren’s call of his heart as he bares it here, for me. I’m sure there are a million reasons for me to walk away.

But there’s one reason to listen.

And to me, it’s the best reason of all.

Because he asked me to stay. So… I’ll stay.

Gods, I hope I don’t regret this.

And as I turn and leap into the warm presence and embrace of my Sentinel, I hear the words he spoke to me the first time he had to ask.

“Welcome home, Chief.”

**

A million stars light, this beautiful night.
This is not a night to die, let me sing and dance.
Beneath the sky.
I have such love to give, to give.
I want a chance to live.

Live for the one I love.
Love, as no one has loved.
Give, asking nothing in return.
Free, free to find my way.
Free to have my say.
Free to see the day.
Be, like I used to be.
Like a wild bird free.
With all the love in me.

Live for the one I love.
Love, as no one has loved.
Give, asking nothing in return.

Though this world tears us apart.
We're still together in my heart.
I want the world to hear my cry.
And even if I have to die.
Love will not die.
Love will change the world.

Live for the one I love.
Love, as no one has loved.
Give, asking nothing in return.

I'll love, until love wears me away.
I'll die, and I know my love will stay.
And I know my love will stay.