InsaneJournal

He’s standing at the podium. He looks so vulnerable right now. In my mind’s eye, I can still see his nervous twitches, even on a TV screen. He’s giving it all up. And for what? An aging cop with an attitude problem, too many house rules and a superiority complex?

And then it’s gone. He has given up so much, and now he’s made the ultimate sacrifice. He’s given up his life, not once but twice. The fountain was just the beginning of the end, and then the press conference, he snuffed out the candle symbolizing his brightness, his light inside. And he’s given it all up.

For me.

I don’t deserve it.

When I asked him to stay with me, nearly four years ago, I never realized what a roller coaster of a life I lived. And he stuck with me the entire time. Now, after everything else, he’s still trying to stay by my side. He’s given up his thesis, his status as an academic, his friends and peers. And he’s still here.

I can hear him downstairs, and isn’t that coming full circle? He’s packing things up, dreams he once held sacred. His papers and pictures from when he was on expedition. He’s packing it all up and trying to decide where to go next.

Simon and the Major Crimes team offered the badge to him, and he promised he wouldn’t discount it as an option. But when we got home tonight, he paused at the door of his room and stared at everything there. Naomi had gotten a motel room, to give us some space, and I trudged up the stairs to my bed. I shouldn’t have been on the leg that much, but I wanted to give him breathing room. This was his life he was deciding.

And it wasn’t just the loss of his academic career he was having to come to terms with. There was also the total 180 degree turn around he would have to make to become a cop, and detective, in order to stay at my side. What he did on screen at that press conference was just the beginning of his surrender. Now he would have to change his entire belief system. And for what?

I don’t have much to give. I don’t have much of a life outside of these four walls and him. He’s all I have. I had nothing before him; I would have nothing after should he decide to leave. But will he stay or go? What choice does he have? I wish he would choose me. And then I hear his foot on the first stair.

**

I have no idea what I was thinking, taking that damned badge. Blair Sandburg a cop, can you imagine it? I can’t… well not, that’s not right, I certainly can see me as a cop. I’ve been playing the game for the last four years with Jim. And I’ve had a pretty damn good time doing it, too. But it wasn’t just for some damned paper. It was for him… I’d do anything for him.

I have had to change my head and heart for him, in order to understand his thought process and his feelings, to coax him out of his shell and give him a safe place to store his memories and feelings. I have watched him walk in and out of danger. And he hasn’t changed much in the last four years.

But I have. I have stared back at the face of evil and cursed it until death. I have watched friends die and enemies return to the land of the living. I have stood against family and friends to protect one man, the only man I have ever loved. And please, don’t mistake me. It is love. I would die for him. I have died and returned for him. He called my name and asked me to stay, and I have. He is my everything.

Now, I have a choice to make. Walk away from the offer of a lifetime, and try to find my own way without my friend… or accept the generous offer given me in the face of utter ruin. It’s not much of a choice, really. It would mean I would have to become something else, but I’ve been evolving towards this for a while now. I’m more cop than academic. My mother is not pleased, but she will get over it.

The real choice is do I do it with Jim in my heart, or without him. He thinks I can’t hear him up there, muttering over and over again. He calls my name as he has for the last four years. He’s asked me to stay countless times, and many of those times I have ignored him.

He’s not asking me just to stay here, but to choose him. To accept his offer. His life, his soul, his heart. He is surrendering himself to me. Something he has fought himself for a long time now. He thinks he’s been able to hide it, but he is clueless as to hiding his heart from me. I have dug into his deepest memories, I have glimpsed his soul. When he called me back from death, I witnessed the life within, his heart beating for me. I just haven’t had a chance to say anything about it.

And now, we are at that point. Right now he is making his final plea. He is begging for one more chance. He is asking me one more time.

“Stay.”

I surrendered my life’s dream to his safety. He is surrendering his heart to me. I know my choice, it’s simple. And that’s why I’m walking up the stairs. He looks over to me at that moment, and I can see it all there in his eyes. He’s open and inviting, and I have been so closed lately. I am more than happy to crawl into his bed, into his arms and into his heart. It is so much warmer here.

“Welcome home, Chief.”

**

There's so much life I've left to live
And this fire's burning still
When I watch you look at me
I think I could find the will
To stand for every dream
And forsake the solid ground
And give up this fear within
Of what would happen if they ever knew
I'm in love with you

'Cause I'd surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it to
We'd make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I'd make you give them all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

I know I can't survive
Another night away from you
You're the reason I go on
And now I need to live the truth
Right now, there's no better time
From this fear I will break free
And I'll live again with love
And no the they can't take that away from me
And they will see...

'Cause I’d surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We'd make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I'd make you give them all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

Every night's getting longer
And this fire is getting stronger, babe
I'll swallow my pride and I'll be alive
Did you hear my call
I surrender all

'Cause I'd surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We'd make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I'd make you give them all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

Right here, right now
I give my life to live again
I'll break free, take me
My everything I surrender all to you